I recently saw some disturbing footage of an unemployable lezbo daring to disagree with our God-given right to bomb the heathen Muslims to eternal torture. Is there anything I can do to stop her homo agenda from infecting all the good Christian girls I know?
Militant in Michigan
Dear MiM:
You're right to be disturbed. Unlike liberals, good conservatives (like me and you) place immense, sacred value on individualism and free thinking, so long as those free-thinking individuals share our exact opinions on social justice, the free market, abortion, gay marriage, gun control, campaign finance, the war on terror, the war on drugs, social security, the environment, defense spending, Bill Clinton, election 2000, Ronald Reagan and the liberal media. We are the party of free thought.
To deal with this problem you must find out two things: Is the person really a lesbian, or just some sort of unattractive heterosexual with poor fashion sense? And, if the woman is a lesbian, is she closeted? If this woman is in the closet, fling the doors open by publishing her name and photo in the local paper or some other media outlet. If the PC nazi liberals in the press won't allow you to violate this traitor's privacy, there are a variety of desktop publishing options available to you; newsletters, flyers, broadsides nailed to telephone poles, whatever it takes to get the word out about this filthy liberal's carpet-munching habit.
Don't worry about any flack you might receive over outing this person. Some gay people will complain, but useful idiots the good homosexuals like Andrew Sullivan won't say a word.
Dear Ann Slanders:
I keep seeing references to Islam as "the religion of peace." I don't understand. I thought Christianity was the religion of peace. Please help.
Faithful in Florida.
Dear FiFLA:
You're right. Christianity _IS_ the religion of peace, and if anybody tries to tell you otherwise, kick the living shit out of them. Remember, the only good Muslim is a non-Muslim.
It's this simple: If Islam was so great, more white people would be Islamic.
Choosy people choose Jesus. Only losers like that shoe-bomber guy and Cat Stevens believe in Allah.
I hope this helps, and thanks for reading!
While googling for the phrase "sociopath" I found this:
"Sociopathy is chiefly characterized by something wrong with the person's conscience. Sociopaths only care about fulfilling their own needs and desires - selfishness and egocentricity to the extreme. Everything and everybody else is mentally twisted around in their minds as objects to be used in fulfilling their own needs and desires. They often believe they are doing something good for society, or at least nothing that bad.
Some common sociopathic traits include egocentricity; callousness; impulsivity; conscience defect; exaggerated sexuality; excessive boasting; risk taking; inability to resist temptation; antagonistic, deprecating attitude toward the opposite sex; Lack of interest in bonding with a mate."
Then there's this list of Psychopathic personality traits:
"Glib and superficial charm; Grandiose sense of self-worth; Need for stimulation; Pathological lying; Cunning and manipulativeness; Lack of remorse or guilt; Shallow affect; Callousness and lack of empathy; Poor behavioral controls; Early behavior problems; Lack of realistic, long-term goals; Impulsivity; Irresponsibility; Failure to accept responsibility for own actions; Juvenile delinquency."
As far as I can tell, this describes Ann Coulter AND George W. Bush.
Today I'm in such a good mood that I just cannot conjure the venomous hatred required of Ann Slanders.
After my spate of whining yesterday, a good samaritan wrote and offered to pay my way to the party. Wow. I am humbled and gratified by this display of generosity, and since psychopaths cannot feel humility or gratitude, I am finding it very difficult to channel the spirit of Ann Coulter today. Maybe tomorrow. Or later today. Something's bound to piss me off.
Today's language lesson:
"George Bush couldn't pour piss out of a boot if there were instructions on the bottom."
Now let's say it in Spanish.
"George Arbusto no podría verter orina fuera de un cargador si había instrucciones en el fondo."
Now in German:
"George Busch könnte nicht Urin aus einer Aufladung heraus gießen, wenn es Anweisungen in der Unterseite gab."
Now one last time in French:
"George Buisson ne pourrait pas verser l'urine hors d'une botte s'il y avait des instructions sur le fond."
I was talking about the Chemical Brothers yesterday. Click here to download Morning Lemon by them. It's good stuff. Do I know what "Morning lemon" means? I do not. Probably has something to do with erectile tissue.
The FBI is investigating the disappearance of a genetically engineered bacteria that could be fatal to swine. The germs have gone missing from a lab at Michigan State University.
In related news, Rush Limbaugh is being treated with a regimen of antibiotics as a precautionary measure.
So there's a circulating news item that a German politician compared President Drinky McDumbass to Hitler. Ari Fliescher (a nice German name, BTW. I imagine "Ari" is short for "Aryan") called it "outrageous." From what I can read, she made no such direct comparison. She simply pointed out the fact that rattling the sabers is a time-honored tactic to distract the public from domestic woes. "That's a popular method. Even Hitler did that" she is quoted as saying. So what's the problem? It's true.
I do think it is wrong to make a direct comparison between Shrub and Hitler, because Hitler was much more intelligent than the Big Oil puppet currently occupying the Oval Office.
Thanks to MWO for the link, tho' now I might have to change the name to "Ask Ann Slanders."
Media Whores Online is one of the best sites on the entire web, IMO.
Read it every day, and you'll know more about the issues than Cokie Roberts and George Will combined. Ok, so that's not a very high standard.
Read it every day, and soon you'll be in the habit of shouting "bullshit!" at TV and radio newscasts, if you don't already.
Dear Ann Slanders:
My co-worker is constantly making snide remarks about our great President George Bush, and otherwise spouting disgusting facts about conservatives like you and me. Since I'm no match verbally for this liberal-college-educated liberal, how can I come out on top in my arguments with her?
Confused and Angry in Ohio
Dear Confused and Angry:
Have you considered a truck bomb? I guarantee 500 kilos of ammonium nitrate will wipe that smug look off her face real fast. And if you managed to take out a bunch of other liberals and their children at the same time, why, some folks would say you were a hero. Target the New York times building, and I'll defend you in court myself, sweetheart.
I hope this helps, and thanks for reading!
Let's talk about music for a second.
I just added a link to musicforhackers.com, because it's one of the coolest streaming music sites on the web. Cool, that is, if you like atmospheric electronic weirdness like Salamander, Aphex Twin, Add N to X, etc.
And damn, the Chemical Brothers are frickin' geniuses. Fire up your Limewire, Bearshare or other Napster analog and look for Chemical Bros. songs like Bomb the Bass (Bugpowder Remix), Loops of Fury, Let Forever Be, or Morning Lemon. Big beats, good stuff. Bomb the Bass is just crazy good.
I am depressed.
I am depressed because I just read the latest Vegas update at Bartcop.com.
It sounds like a hella good party, and there are only six tickets left, @ $75 a pop. Does my broke ass have $75? Noooooo.
I mean, I fucking live in Las Vegas and all these too-cool liberal/progressive types are going to be partying here, and meanwhile I'll be having another weekend of going to the science fiction fan group meeting and otherwise sitting around doing not much. I _could_ go to the Rio just to meet a few folks and shake some hands, but that would leave me feeling way too lame. "Uh, no, I can't stick around for the fun because I didn't get a ticket." Gah. I suck.
Today's language lesson.
How to say 'viper with implants' in Italian:
la vipera con impianta.
Spanish:
La víbora con implanta.
French:
La vipère avec implante.
Here you can see the Latin roots of these three romance languages in the similarities of the translated phrases. If you translated this into Romany or any other latinate tongue, they would remain similar, whereas the German translation 'Schlange mit pflanzt' shows exceedingly little Latin influence.
One of those attack cheerleaders is Babs Olsen, RIP (Rapidly Impacted Pentagon).
Oh that's in bad taste, I'm sure. Then again, Ann Coulter knows all about bad taste. Clown sperm must taste funny. Free french fries will get that flavor out your mouth, Annie.
I lifted this graphic out of it's original context. See the whole thing here. It's much funnier that way. Thanks to Lisa @ www.allhatnocattle.net. She rocks.
While googling for the term "Freak Repugnant" I came across Michelle Malkin's Miscellaneous Page. I'm not sure what the point is, other than to reference a bunch of outdated Malkin articles, but she takes a few sentences to slag Julia Roberts (D- Babe) for reportedly saying that republican comes between "repugnant" and "reptile" in the dictionary. Then Malkin writes "Democrat comes after demagogue and dementia and just above demon." Maybe Michelle can't afford a good dictionary, but my American Heritage shows "democrat" right after "democracy" and immediately before "Democritus." Then comes demodulate, demographics, demolish and a bunch of other words that aren't demon.
For the record, the order for "R" is reptile, republic, republican, repudiate then repugnant.
My dictionary doesn't have the word "Malkin" in it, but I imagine that if it did, it would fall somewhere between "clueless pundette" and "stupid bitch."
So I realize that some folks may have trouble distinquishing my opinions from those of our (semi)fictional advice columnist.
Anything that starts with "Dear Ann Slanders" is me pretending to be a skinny blond psychopath. All other content reflects my opinions, be they ever so humble and uninformed. Which is to say, the only difference between my opinions and Ann Coulter's is the humility.
Send questions to Ann Slanders, and I'll do my best to answer them as only a hateful sociopath can.
"Skinny Blond Psychopath" in German: Dünne Blondine Verrückt
In Italian: Donna pazzesca del blonde sottile (Technically, this sez "thin blond crazy woman" but that's close enough).
In Spanish: Loco Rubio Flaco. Crazy Blond Skinny. Or Puta rubia flaca. Skinny blond whore. Heh.
Dear Ann Slanders:
Thanks for the advice, but I don't want to be the next Drudge.
I really don't like raw eggs and besides, I want to report the truth.
As a liberal, I'm just not very good at fabricating wild-ass stories that
the ditto-monkeys will gobble up.
Please advise.
BCinOK
BC:
Oh, a liberal? I just want to know why you hate America so much, liberal girly-boy.
And to remind you that you can be killed, so keep your nasty, fifth-column, traitorous ways to yourself.
What you really need is forcible conversion to Christianity, because I'm sure your homo-pagan-atheist-baby killing-dope smoking religion is inferior to my own.
Thanks for reading, liberal scum!
Dear Ann Slanders:
I have a website and an IQ of 64. How can I increase traffic and attract venture capital?
BC in OK
Dear BC:
Two words: Clinton's Cock. Oooooh, that gave me a shiver. Let's say it again: Clinton's Cock. Mmmm. You just can't go wrong by fishing around inside Bill Clinton's zipper.
If you ever grow tired of Clinton's cock (as if that were possible), then hating liberals is almost as good. FOX and MSNBC were built (erected, if you will) on Clinton's cock and slagging liberals who all hate America. For variety, throw in the occassional bit of rah-rah flag waving and you'll be the next Drudge in no time!
Best of luck, and thanks for reading!
